Oct 1 2007
Have you noticed?
It's like I'm already too secretive with the Redbook. I never "divulge" anything big or weird, while ya'll know that I'm SOO all about big and weird.
You also know that I don't really get to tell my bestfriends everything. We see each other too rarely to even get close to a real conversation. So yah, everything I don't write just gets lost forever after I forget. W/c is not so bad, I now realize, since the stuff I leave out are always the things that make me feel uncomfortable, awkward, and just inadequate. Like, whenever the prescence of a guy I used to write regularly-ish about just.. trails off in the succeeding entries, it either means that he happens to really like someone, or I find out that he's got a girlfriend (or boyfriend, w/c has never happened, but neither has the former, i think.), or that I realize that hees a geek (the bad icky kind)
...At least I dont get to limit the way i see myself with these sucky endings right? So it maybe kinda helps my self-esteem. BUT. Ykno, I got to be brutually honest w/myself, no matter how awkward and stupid it may make me feel about myself. Coz maybe it's the one way to make me see myself FROM ALL ANGLES. & to omit more blind spots. I have to endure more painful internal dialogues. "Tangina anu ba yang sinulat ko?!!"
Coz sure, loving yourself is nice, but by ignoring your weak points you're like only loving half of yourself. Like denying your oother son's existence coz his brother's so much better at everything. Besides, supressing these words in my head makes me more outrageous wherever (if ever) I decide to let go. It's like a dam. Build a wall if you must and block the water fleow, but when you suddenly get rid of the wall what happens? You say hello to a monster waave!!! wuu!! So letting the "water" flow normally on its own I guess kind of regulates my ability to express. It neutralizes my bipolared-ness. Maybe THAT's where it comes from. I cant find my center because I supress my intensities too much. Yes? Yes.
I just hope this metaphor-ization works for me this time even if I compared my thoughts to water w/c it's kinda not like, coz water's clear. My thoughts are kinda blurry, see. And unlike water, it leaves a "stench" when you *cough* wipe it off. Maybe suka or patis pa. Yeah vinegar's perfect coz I forget easily. and vinegar evaporates fast-ish. But y'kno, it's still liquid. I think it'll behave similarly to the dam theory.
...The dam(ned) theory...
okay so much for words, heres excecution. here's what happened:
Si classmate, uh, di na talaga kami "nagusap" after nung day na absent si prof. so yah. Kaput. minsan nagfifiling ako na kunwari may ibig sabihin pg natingin xa, pero agad2x din naman akong nagrereality check. i mean, he never even asked 4 my #, haller. Parang tell-tale sign na siguro yun. (minsan, I swer totoo to. pag wa-epek mga reality check ko in the privacy of my bureyn, literal ha? BINABATUKAN KO SARILI KO. o sinasampal. hehe. tipong "Ulul!")
si ano.. uhh well we still chat. pero i can only wait so long for something to happen. & i know he's not numb, he just deliberately avoids it. w/c is a convenience, coz I cant. at mejo umiiksi din attention span ko lately. pati sensitivity ko, nale-lessen. di nako "onion skinned" ba. it's like I dont really care anymore. & THIS TIME IT'S FOR REAL AND NOT JUST FOR SHOW. I FINALLY learnd how 2 detatch myself. Oh! and he likes someone but he aint fessin about it. pero i THINK i know....
ELMO *insertpoorElmodrawing/scribblehere*
..It must be Ye. I know befriending her to see whatsup was very shallow of me, but I just had to pull some leaves down myself before they choose to fall down on their own coz Lord knows how long & overdue that day will be at the rate i was going. And I never pushed anything too much. I kept sincere towards her. It's just that whenever I remember what MADE us be 'friends', I feel bad. Hopefully that will change, though. I like her. I just have to change the frame I see her in through; get john out of the picture. But not completely. Besides, if my assumptions are correct, they might end up together. Ye became friends with John about the time I did but they warmed up faster, and I found William. (oo di nako gumagamit ng codenames ngaun men, di na uso! RAKENROL NA TO! WOOO..) Actually no, i didnt just find him, he was living next door all this time. ANYWAY.
..The moment i found John I set him apart agad sa iba. I was like "he was different" or maybe it wasnt that at all. Maybe it was "we're the same".. but that doesn't matter now, no need for emphasis.
Ye was always the girl I see on his profile. And he told me he had an ex, so i assumed for some ambiguous reason that it was her. But then i soon found out that the ex was a totally different person that was a few years ahead of us. Makes sense. John never really acted like a kid. But how should I really know right? He was already in TX when we became friends. Funny thing is, Ye sorta had the same situation. She just moved here from Saudi when John went off to Texas & left Philie. Our friendship pales in comparison to theirs. I reacted too much I guess. But I don't blame myself. Besides, the whole John thing kind of fueled me. & even if it ends there, I'm still very thankful for it. It's so nice how things just unfold at the perfect time.
John has been acting more distant towards me lately. Not that he wasn't already showing hints of coldness before, he has. He gets kinda harsh sometimes & I do too. I guess I was also just too surprised that he'd give me friendly replies n not slimy ones like most people on the net (dweebs). The way he was brought up I guess.
John & I only get to chat on weekends. N we mostly just talk about crap and act like jackasses. He & Ye, based on the limited info I have, disagree, but they're more sweet. Okay sweeter. w/fckn/evr. & I dont think its because they have more stuff in common. It's coz they don't and therefore they compliment each other. & they kinda have the same situation, always moving country to country, having to leave people behind. That's a big thing. It's kinda sweet. In my opinion actually?(and this is not just BS I'm writing down so thatI won't look like the loser) John and I may have too much stuff in common -now i realize its only with conversing, not really with our preferences and beliefs- & it doesnt work well for what I --wanted-- whatever the fuck that was.
We really are better off as buddies I guess. I already am getting detatched anyway. I'm not soo eager to see him online, not too sensitive about whatever he says... I really feel so Serena-ish now. & boy does that feel good.
"not in a relationship but attatched to someone" -that's his status. & I'm now just waiting for him to treat me like his buddy that i am & tell me all about it. but as for me? I'm "not in a relationship and am not attatched to anyone." and you knoh dem reyt that that sounds so much better than his.
..The moment i found John I set him apart agad sa iba. I was like "he was different" or maybe it wasnt that at all. Maybe it was "we're the same".. but that doesn't matter now, no need for emphasis.
Ye was always the girl I see on his profile. And he told me he had an ex, so i assumed for some ambiguous reason that it was her. But then i soon found out that the ex was a totally different person that was a few years ahead of us. Makes sense. John never really acted like a kid. But how should I really know right? He was already in TX when we became friends. Funny thing is, Ye sorta had the same situation. She just moved here from Saudi when John went off to Texas & left Philie. Our friendship pales in comparison to theirs. I reacted too much I guess. But I don't blame myself. Besides, the whole John thing kind of fueled me. & even if it ends there, I'm still very thankful for it. It's so nice how things just unfold at the perfect time.
John has been acting more distant towards me lately. Not that he wasn't already showing hints of coldness before, he has. He gets kinda harsh sometimes & I do too. I guess I was also just too surprised that he'd give me friendly replies n not slimy ones like most people on the net (dweebs). The way he was brought up I guess.
John & I only get to chat on weekends. N we mostly just talk about crap and act like jackasses. He & Ye, based on the limited info I have, disagree, but they're more sweet. Okay sweeter. w/fckn/evr. & I dont think its because they have more stuff in common. It's coz they don't and therefore they compliment each other. & they kinda have the same situation, always moving country to country, having to leave people behind. That's a big thing. It's kinda sweet. In my opinion actually?(and this is not just BS I'm writing down so thatI won't look like the loser) John and I may have too much stuff in common -now i realize its only with conversing, not really with our preferences and beliefs- & it doesnt work well for what I --wanted-- whatever the fuck that was.
We really are better off as buddies I guess. I already am getting detatched anyway. I'm not soo eager to see him online, not too sensitive about whatever he says... I really feel so Serena-ish now. & boy does that feel good.
"not in a relationship but attatched to someone" -that's his status. & I'm now just waiting for him to treat me like his buddy that i am & tell me all about it. but as for me? I'm "not in a relationship and am not attatched to anyone." and you knoh dem reyt that that sounds so much better than his.
Lulz. WEINER!
Oct 2 2007
______________________________________________________
Oct 2 2007
"When it Rains"
I didn't even wait for the rain to stop. I stepped outside with only my hoodie to shield me from the rain -poorly. Something inside me was leaping victoriouslyI stayed infront of the computer for a longer time than what i intended to spend for. (umabot ng P65). My excuse was that I was waiting for the rain to stop. "I hate damp feet" was what I typed in my blog. That was true, but what was also true, was that I was chatting with HIM, and I have been trying so hard to make him open up to me, that ending the conversation too early just when he has started to fess up felt like i was being unfair to myself.
All my guesses proved to be right. I even noticed stuff that he himself hasn't about ..them. The really weird thing about all this is that I never felt like I was being fake about what I was doing. I really meant everything I told him. Every single thing. I never attempted to make it about 'us', I was just totally THERE FOR HIM.
"we mostly just talk about bull."
"i know."
"i wanna know how you really are."
and that's when he started opening up.
"emotionally scarred" was how he described himself. and I remembered the survey from yesterday. and assumed it was a lablipe thing.
"ooh. inlove?"
"well i dunno about that"
and all the while i tried to steer the conversation into making him tell. is there a she? and if we manage to go further, is it ye? and it wasnt even a nosy bitchness thing. It's just that when it comes to him, I want to be aware. I want to be the buddy he can talk to about everything and not just anything. I felt like I'm worthy of at least that.
He was talking about self esteem. that it was really low and stuff.
Then he wanted me to check out the song in his profile. but i cant, it wont play.
"It's a wonderful song by Paramore-"
then everything stopped moving.
"-called When it Rains.''
I knew it. I first heard that song in his profile actually. Ye sent it to him as a comment. He didn't know. He also didn't know that the song makes me think about him and them and if she felt the same way i felt about him or stronger.
He didn't know that he was the reason I skip the track everytime I hear it start playing in my ipod. But I did. There were just too many things I'm aware of I guess. To him there are only the conversations we share when we spend time chatting - to me, there was that AND the conversations I have in my head with myself. I can't help it. I'm just really the observant type.
"Ye gave it to you." I was referring to the comment.
"The Panda?" was what he replied.
He had a picture of a stuffed panda in his profile pictures. It had the caption "Bliss." and the moment i read his question, I knew. To me his question was more of an answer. like The panda was from Ye. She liked him that much. And he liked her too. But I've already made alot of assuming. And even though I was always right, It was already time for these things to come from him.
"When she first told me about it she didnt buy it yet. She saw it @ Blue Magic. I dared her to buy it. Then a week after, here comes a submitted photo."
"Awwwwwwwwww... that
is
sooo
sweeeet...."
and heaven knows, i fuckin meant it. I was seriously smiling like an idiot!yes in the netshop.
My friends, congratulate me. For I have finally seen the light. You are well aware that I am fond of this person yet you see me now unfazed and unfaltering.
This is because I have unromanticized love. Love is an energy. And I feed off of it. It should be given to all the people you care about, and its intensity is relatively proportional to its current triggers. (xenxa sa terms kakabasa q lng ng physics10 notes)
You love who you love no matter what. There's no real math to it.obviously as otherwise i wouldnt have gotten any of it It's too simple for that. Romantic love is only different because of the relationship factor & i found today that this thing I have for John is not that type of love. Not yet, not really. It's just the mix of focus and ambiguity that made all this seem larger than life. It's the same love I have for all of you. You are all so special and vital to my existence, and I put each one of you up on a pedestal for a moment in my life, like I just did to him. Maybe I was just fazed by the fact that he wasn't a girl and the distance challenged me. But if you look at the bigger picture, it's all the same. I just had to learn how to avoid bias regarding gender.
It's all so silly and childish, really. Don't be fooled by these ..big words I'm using.
I walked through the rain after that conversation with him. I didnt care that everyone else had umbrellas and there were lots of vendors taking advantage to sell umbrellas to those who didn't. I walked right on. It was the most liberating feeling ever. I changed so much. I swear. Even though it's probable that these things I'm writing down you find sad, truth be told, sad things are beautiful. If i force reciprocation for the attention I give him... If he's aware about all this.. Where's the beauty in that?well i sure ruined THAT one.
And because it was all sad & beautiful, I felt so happy the whole day. I know, it's crazy. but i did. I felt so productive and useful. And I know for a fact that I made him feel better.
The rain fell hard, and forced the leaves down from the trees. I remembered what I wrote yesterday about falling leaves and smiled.
The leaves are now falling on their own. :)
It only took the rain to force them down. The rain may be a bitch, again I hate damp shoes, but it really is all up to you. How do you handle the rain? How do you handle the truth?lol Do you hide from it forever because it isn't convenient?lolx2.Al Gore? Or do you thank the Lord for it? Do you look up to the sky, watch it fall down on you & let it change you forever?
"Ask and you shall recieve."
Oct 1, I opened myself to the redbook and started explaining. The next day, explanations came to ME.
Oct 2, I chose to walk in the rain. And goddamnit. It rained all day.
Oct 8 2007
hehe. they're already opeexali 2gedur! :)
both their parents know. It's so cute considering the fact that they've never really met. I wouldn't think of doing something like that, but wth, to each his own right? I hope for the best for those two, and if ever things go wrong, I'm just right here ready to be mommy for any "mommy i made a booboo"'s...well i kept THAT one didnt i?
In other news:
Dea's turned 17 today:) havent seen her for the longest time. But I know she's well & happy w/her prince. I'm really glad the yin/yang thing worked out. Now we're both happy. =)
I'll get back to you xxx
All my guesses proved to be right. I even noticed stuff that he himself hasn't about ..them. The really weird thing about all this is that I never felt like I was being fake about what I was doing. I really meant everything I told him. Every single thing. I never attempted to make it about 'us', I was just totally THERE FOR HIM.
"we mostly just talk about bull."
"i know."
"i wanna know how you really are."
and that's when he started opening up.
"emotionally scarred" was how he described himself. and I remembered the survey from yesterday. and assumed it was a lablipe thing.
"ooh. inlove?"
"well i dunno about that"
and all the while i tried to steer the conversation into making him tell. is there a she? and if we manage to go further, is it ye? and it wasnt even a nosy bitchness thing. It's just that when it comes to him, I want to be aware. I want to be the buddy he can talk to about everything and not just anything. I felt like I'm worthy of at least that.
He was talking about self esteem. that it was really low and stuff.
Then he wanted me to check out the song in his profile. but i cant, it wont play.
"It's a wonderful song by Paramore-"
then everything stopped moving.
"-called When it Rains.''
I knew it. I first heard that song in his profile actually. Ye sent it to him as a comment. He didn't know. He also didn't know that the song makes me think about him and them and if she felt the same way i felt about him or stronger.
He didn't know that he was the reason I skip the track everytime I hear it start playing in my ipod. But I did. There were just too many things I'm aware of I guess. To him there are only the conversations we share when we spend time chatting - to me, there was that AND the conversations I have in my head with myself. I can't help it. I'm just really the observant type.
"Ye gave it to you." I was referring to the comment.
"The Panda?" was what he replied.
He had a picture of a stuffed panda in his profile pictures. It had the caption "Bliss." and the moment i read his question, I knew. To me his question was more of an answer. like The panda was from Ye. She liked him that much. And he liked her too. But I've already made alot of assuming. And even though I was always right, It was already time for these things to come from him.
"When she first told me about it she didnt buy it yet. She saw it @ Blue Magic. I dared her to buy it. Then a week after, here comes a submitted photo."
"Awwwwwwwwww... that
is
sooo
sweeeet...."
and heaven knows, i fuckin meant it. I was seriously smiling like an idiot!yes in the netshop.
My friends, congratulate me. For I have finally seen the light. You are well aware that I am fond of this person yet you see me now unfazed and unfaltering.
This is because I have unromanticized love. Love is an energy. And I feed off of it. It should be given to all the people you care about, and its intensity is relatively proportional to its current triggers. (xenxa sa terms kakabasa q lng ng physics10 notes)
You love who you love no matter what. There's no real math to it.obviously as otherwise i wouldnt have gotten any of it It's too simple for that. Romantic love is only different because of the relationship factor & i found today that this thing I have for John is not that type of love. Not yet, not really. It's just the mix of focus and ambiguity that made all this seem larger than life. It's the same love I have for all of you. You are all so special and vital to my existence, and I put each one of you up on a pedestal for a moment in my life, like I just did to him. Maybe I was just fazed by the fact that he wasn't a girl and the distance challenged me. But if you look at the bigger picture, it's all the same. I just had to learn how to avoid bias regarding gender.
It's all so silly and childish, really. Don't be fooled by these ..big words I'm using.
I walked through the rain after that conversation with him. I didnt care that everyone else had umbrellas and there were lots of vendors taking advantage to sell umbrellas to those who didn't. I walked right on. It was the most liberating feeling ever. I changed so much. I swear. Even though it's probable that these things I'm writing down you find sad, truth be told, sad things are beautiful. If i force reciprocation for the attention I give him... If he's aware about all this.. Where's the beauty in that?well i sure ruined THAT one.
And because it was all sad & beautiful, I felt so happy the whole day. I know, it's crazy. but i did. I felt so productive and useful. And I know for a fact that I made him feel better.
The rain fell hard, and forced the leaves down from the trees. I remembered what I wrote yesterday about falling leaves and smiled.
The leaves are now falling on their own. :)
It only took the rain to force them down. The rain may be a bitch, again I hate damp shoes, but it really is all up to you. How do you handle the rain? How do you handle the truth?lol Do you hide from it forever because it isn't convenient?lolx2.Al Gore? Or do you thank the Lord for it? Do you look up to the sky, watch it fall down on you & let it change you forever?
"Ask and you shall recieve."
Oct 1, I opened myself to the redbook and started explaining. The next day, explanations came to ME.
Oct 2, I chose to walk in the rain. And goddamnit. It rained all day.
Oct 8 2007
hehe. they're already opeexali 2gedur! :)
both their parents know. It's so cute considering the fact that they've never really met. I wouldn't think of doing something like that, but wth, to each his own right? I hope for the best for those two, and if ever things go wrong, I'm just right here ready to be mommy for any "mommy i made a booboo"'s...well i kept THAT one didnt i?
In other news:
Dea's turned 17 today:) havent seen her for the longest time. But I know she's well & happy w/her prince. I'm really glad the yin/yang thing worked out. Now we're both happy. =)
I'll get back to you xxx
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