Love, Lust, Licorice

Adjustments

2011-03-14T01:55:00.000-07:00

Potato Salad; veggie salad and crabby patty thingy prepared in a hypnostate of work and calorie avoidance.

Food improv meals

2010-12-28T13:08:00.000-08:00

salad wraps aka Non-Stinky Shawarma

2010-12-25T00:14:00.000-08:00

So I whipped up a salad last night, christmas eve, imitating CPK's bbq chikin salad,, only we didn't have black beans and instead of blue cheese dressing we used caesars. It was fuckin awesome, it had:

two kinds of lettuce, corn, bbq'd chickin chunks, mexican potato (sinkamas in tagalog), tomato strips, wansoy and cucumber chunks :) it's served with the dressing and bbq sauce.

last night my uncle Rene had an awesome idea of eating it with pita bread. it tasted so goooood.

today i craved for it, there were no bbq chikin pieces left so i just took pieces from the pork ribs from last night. IT'S SO EXCELLENTEY.

Miss me.

2010-10-31T06:40:00.000-07:00

It's kind of an order.

Lazy French Toast

2010-10-18T05:27:00.001-07:00

I didn't wanna bother doin it on the stove so I just used the sandwich maker again.

It was just the classic egg+milk+sugar mixture. Soak it and toast.

I was working in haste so it didn't exactly turn out the way I imagined in ma noggin but now that I've forgotten what I wanted it to taste like, it's actually pretty nice. It tasted too eggy at first.

I put maple syrup and Welch's Strawberry Spread on it.

That was all :D

Snockums

2010-10-10T03:03:00.000-07:00

Salty + Sweet = Great Snack.

This is Chef Tony's Popcorn in Parmesan and some Kirkland Chocolate Raisins. :)

I've found a new love philosophy and I love it. :)

2010-10-09T20:39:00.000-07:00

I came to realize how much I've been focusing on the primary stages and nothing more.

Falling in love is only half the battle. And if you get so enamored by it, it's all you'll know how to do. And you don't really learn anything from that that will teach you how to keep it. And you will fall out of that initial attraction after a while. People always do. And you think that's the end. So you look for the initial attraction again, from someone new. This creates an exhausting pattern, hombre.

Now I have the ability to forsee beyond those stages. A romance will last if the two people both have the qualities it takes to make it work :) And, more importantly, they must both want to. Without those things, no matter how nice the initial spark is, shit will crumble.

This philosophy is nice because it devalues the overrated, which cannot be relied upon for very long. And it makes moving on from those encounters LOADS EASIER.

You can just now focus on what you have.

It turns love into something that's GENUINELY free.

2010-08-16T20:31:00.001-07:00

"It's sometimes an incapability to feel, yes. Sometimes I do have feelings, though. It's like a big black hole filled up to the top with tar sloppily to try and fill in the hole with something. And the tar was put in there pretty good so that whenever anything or anyone comes around, like that hug, they step right over the hole, and the tar holds them up and keeps them out. But sometimes little bits of things filter down through the tar or I let them. It's like drinking through the cracks in the tar, like there is a soul down there in the hole somewhere. In the tar, even though it's hard as a rock.. Something starts to happen to the tar. Words go through the tar. Feelings and even a touch might go through the tar, but then a body will try to go through the tar and it can't, or if it does, the tar will harden harder than every before. And the cracks will become thinner. And light will be cast out a little more. And anything hoping to escape will lose hope a little more. And everything will die a little more."

-ml

You can only plan to be surprised.

2010-04-27T10:07:00.000-07:00

“I believe in true love. I believe in love at first sight. I believe love conquers all and that doesn’t mean there’s not gonna be hard days or difficult things to deal with, because there will be. But finding that person who does it for you & knowing that person loves you back, it just makes everything so much easier.”

..I have to admit to being a reformed cynic. Truth be told, the things that lead you away from believing are the very things that will lead you back, but one step higher and deeper into the truth.

Modified Banana Split (coz i don't know what to call it yet)

2010-04-20T06:35:00.000-07:00

So to celebrate my grades this sem, my mother let me buy stuff to have a sort of ice cream bar thing. So we bought ice cream, marshmallows, cream, shell syrup and bananas. I'm sort of a sucker for the classic banana split but I decided I can minimize and instead of buying three kinds of ice cream (vanilla strawberry and chocolate) and then looking for some salt-less nuts to top it off with, I just bought strawberry and rocky road.

I built my sundae and it turned out great.

I scooped rocky road unto the bottom and
splashed some raspberry syrup over it... It's this thing we've had in the pantry for like, over a hundred years and it's not like a real syrup; it's kinda watery. But goes incredibly well with Arce Dairy Chocolate ice cream. Anyway. So.
I ripped up some of the huge mallows we bought coz I'm a total man like that and put them in.
then I sliced some bananas and then put it there too.
I scooped some strawberry ice cream after that, sandwiching the mutilated mallow bits and bananas between the two kinds of icecream
then I poured a little chocolate shell over the strawberry.
Before all this mayhem, I put the cream in the freezer after whipping it. So I put that over the hardened shell
Then I topped the whole thing off with one of the leftover maraschino cherries from my bday Root Beer Fizz...which I should prolly discuss in another post.

So yeah. It turned out awesome. The Rocky Road ice cream could have used being a little more nuttier though. But that depends I guess on your taste.

I'm a stress eater.

2010-04-02T10:26:00.000-07:00

It's either hungry or horny for me when I'm stressed.

Plus one point for having a main squeeze. But only for the sex part, coz when you're "with" someone you always have someone close at hand to "destress" with. *smug smile*

When you're single you tend to always have to go through the seducing part. You can't just be like "Hey, I need to fuck you or I'll go crazy."

Unless you have a fuck buddy, who should be someone you're not likely to go on an emotional rollercoaster with if you fool around.

So yeah.

Ooh, I made brunch! Now watch me display my short attention span!

2010-04-01T20:45:00.000-07:00

We have this sandwich maker and my brother re-employed it to work for our relentless sandwich making shenanigans. We usually just use the small oven toaster but I guess he wanted to try something new. But like, old-new. Since I have used the contraption to make peanut butter and banana sandwiches before... That's.. I guess two years ago already. Damn. Time flies so fast. Just yesterday, (it was april 1) I thought about 2009, and what things have already conspired by the time it was April AND I WAS SHOCKED. Damn, that was already a year ago?! Wait, I'm supposed to be writing about my food.

So I was hungry, and I started craving for something with carbs. This was caused by a macro shot of a bitten-in donut I found on my Tumblr dash. I went downstairs and found bread. I looked for tuna. It didn't look like I would find any at first; it was all sorts of evaporated milk, condensed milk, all-purpose cream, YIKES. Dairy family much? Oh. There was also a can of cream of mushroom soup. So it's either milk or cream, oh okay.

But there it was, after getting my hand in there and pushing the cans of udder-juice aside, the last can of tuna. So I took that, opened it, took about 1.5/3rds of the contents and placed it in a small bowl.

I was feeling too lazy to mash it and mix it well with mayo. I just put it on bread that I laid out on the sandwich maker. I wasn't so sure about anything I was doing, I was just winging it. I haven't tried just lining the bread with mayo instead of mixing it in with the tuna before.

So I lined the top slices with mayo and put them on top. The sandwiches were missing something. I decided to slice up a tomato and put slices in. Then I pressed the lid and locked it. There were leftovers from ze tomato and I placed them on a plate. Then I put ketchup on the plate.

The fact that the tuna wasn't spicy was bringing me down a little bit. I decided to just do something about it. Since I've already sealed the sandwiches, I just shook pepper straight on my plate beside the tomatoes and the ketchup.

I'm a really messy foodmaker.

But I tried it and it was awesome. XD AND it's a well-rounded meal! Protein, carbs...er, tomato.

I already have TWO sandwiches (serving is one per person right) So I decided to skip looking for the perfect liquid partner and just poured mself a mug of water.

I will try this again.

Love, Actually...

2010-03-18T05:51:00.000-07:00

Google the word "love" and you come across images of hearts, couples holding hands, love letters, wedding blogs, love quotes, sob stories, and overall, it's either relentless heartache emoness or vomiting rainbows.

I think I'm speaking accurately here when I say that it is the most commonly sought-after thing in the world. Most everyone wants it, everyone is looking for it, one way or another. You may not always be talking about it, but you know you want it.

Ever paused after that train of thought to wonder why?

I'm fortunate enough to say that yes, I have.

The world feeds us with the idea that love is the most powerful thing in the world. Take this particular quote from the oldest book still in publication; The Bible:

Love is patient; love is kind

and envies no one.

Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;

never selfish, not quick to take offense.

There is nothing love cannot face;

there is no limit to its faith,

its hope, and endurance.

In a word, there are three things

that last forever: faith, hope, and love;

but the greatest of them all is love.

And I actually believe this to be mostly true, but not pertaining to the same "love" that it is

always associated with. I don't need to mention this; it's common knowledge, but this quote is always addressed to husband and wives. To people who have decided to embody the romantic coupling bandwagon, hook line and sinker. It's the quintessential Christian wedding quote.

But looking deeper, one may find, more often than not, that this "love", actually, is the accumulation of different levels of these things:

The opportunity to replenish one's sense of self by caring for another
strong attachment
Intellectual symmetry
Sexual -ok, ok fine- physical attraction
Gratification of miscellaneous preferences
Retained interest
Smooth-flowing circumstances ("smooth" being relative to what one considers exciting)
Serendipitous "accidents"
Chance encounters
Cultural compatibility
Concentrated and maintained focus on the person
Chemical compatibility

All of which are based on the person's/our encounters with the person's ability to retain our wanting over it. (This does not make them seem bigger than they are, because what they are is anything you make them to be, and your reality may be only yours, but it is still, with respect, a reality) But the actual love that is synonymous with being all-powerful, all-encompassing, and "god" has got nothing to do with want at all.

Want-based "love", or "romantic love" always comes with its own weight's worth of hate, demonstrated really well by infamous Jealousy. Jealousy is both claiming possession and resentment. It drives you together just as much as it drives you apart.

As Eckhart Tolle says it, actual love has no opposite.

I used to subscribe to the notion that the opposite of love is fear, because it makes so much sense. But I realize now, that instead of being its opposite, it merely nulls the power of love. Instead of being black to white, it is an antidote to poison.

How could have the world come to this, if everyone really WAS looking for love, like it seems? It makes no sense at all. I think this is how some people have come to the conclusion that love is not something they believe in.

We have to realize that love only looks powerless now because what we are observing is not love. It is want, which is an ego-based urge. Something comparable to an addicting drug. It is the same thing that has caused this mess in the first place. Asking for more of it under a different mask: the mask of finding "fulfillment by finding a pair", is rubbing dirty salt on the wound.

So many words are overloaded with context nowadays. Destiny, God, Normalcy, Possession, Wealth... And most of these words and ideas only exist by our own will. They will die as concrete constructs once we let go of our need for them. It's like assigning a name to a child, and eventually caring for the name more than the child. And as we all know, a child is so much more than his name.

I have had glimpses of love, I am lucky enough to say. And they always come after I've let go of something. I don't believe that this is because lovers are meant to be losers, or because love is a losing game... I believe that this is because I was holding too tightly to some things, as if they were separate from me. There is nothing to lose: Love is realized when you realize that you are not separate from anything at all. All things are one. (Quite literally, actually. But that's another story.)

This being said, you actually can never be separated with love. Love is all that you are. You are made of it. Searching and longing for it is blindness to the truth, not proof of its absence.

Randy Pausch said that clichés are cliché'd for a reason. This couldn't be any more true. Love really can be found by looking inside yourself. Not outside.

Quite like the quest for what you believe in, the quest for love is like chasing your own tail. But it is what it is when we do what we do. *shrugs*

Random musings on my planner, March 16 2010:

"Love, real love, does not look for a "relationship" to validate or sustain itself. What that painful feeling is, the undeniable need to be with someone, to hold her in your arms, the need to know that she is yours, that is attraction. And it has varying intensities. It is merely want. Real love does not need anything. It is expressed, but does not need to be expressed. It does not need physical closeness, intimacy. It does not vary. It does not fade.

Attraction, interest, enchantment.

They will fade in time.

But love will not. Love does not.

Love has no point of destination. Togetherness does. Intimacy does. And attraction is hard to ignore. But only love can fulfill one deeply, and it's not something to look for.

It is something to realize.

It just is.

[PS: Maybe this is why the symbol for love is the heart, and not the brain. Think about it -no pun intended- : The brain speculates. The heart just is. The brain processes. The heart just beats constantly. And more importantly, any kind of addiction forms in the brain.]

I don't hate being a girl.

2010-03-17T10:08:00.000-07:00

I say that I do too much.

I should stop. Liking girls' bodies is actually an excellent thing for a penis-less being like me. Because I realize now that for me, my desire won't have to be something I chase. In a way, I was already born with it and I'll always have it. :)

I realized this as I was n00die spamming on tumblr, so many beautiful naked chicks and I don't have a schlong! Then I felt how much I liked this particular up-the-skirt photo:

...I appreciated both:

the prettiness of her extremely short and cute skirt and Hello Kitty panties ("hello kitty" indeed) and felt like I would like to wear stuff like that and pose in them too.
how the up-the-buttness of it all turned me on and made me want to jump her.

If I was a guy, I couldn't exchange pretty undies with my girlfriend.

Just sayin'.

I'm Drinking Flowers.

2010-03-15T10:27:00.000-07:00

Mother dear brought home some exceptionally special tea yesterday, It's pretty much just dried plants bagged up. Not shredded or anything. Flowers of Chamomile, Lavander, Marigold, attatched to their stems. You're supposed to just put them in your teapot like that and pour the hot water over them. :) They do not turn bitter and they seep up the water and grow.

It's an amazing sight. The flowers look wonderful in the water. Tastes as good as it looks, too. Very flowery plant-like.

It's amazing how much it beats tea that's gone through more processes to be put into tea bags.:) We should trust nature to do it's own thing sometimes.

Day In The Life Of Passive Barnacle Bunny

2010-03-14T23:52:00.000-07:00

Wake up, get things to work on for school, lay em out on the floor.

Stare at them for a while. Realize it's too quiet. Turn on TV.

Something on TV reminds you to check your phone.

Someone via text makes you send something via mail.

Something in your mail tells you your mom commented on your post in Facebook. (EGAD!)

Someone approved a friend request, it's that hot lesbian on Tumblr. You remember you asked her a question and open your dashboard.

You are distracted by a multitude of interesting posts. Somehow you are reminded that you haven’t seen a communitychannel video for two days, maybe she has one up now.

You realize that you just failed avoiding the PC again, like you promised yourself yesterday.

You think it's funny and decide to write about it on Blogger.

You realize nobody reads this blog so you copy-paste it to Tumblr.

Cycle goes on. You wait to be bored. You wait to be bored. You become bored, so you look for something interesting. Sometimes you find something interesting, something it's just something that's interesting enough for you to not be bored. Eitherway, you're already sitting down in front of the PC, now you just have to wait 'till you feel like you have to take a shower.

Maybe you'll get to avoid the PC after taking that.

Maybe.

I want to feel...

2010-03-14T08:59:00.000-07:00

That orgasmic moment after keeping it hidden for so long... Where it's either you say it or you lose everything.. The moment when you have to cut the chains that hold you safely back; safely hidden.

That moment where you finally let go, and open yourself up with some invisible knife, to expose your insides, a searing feeling, both hot and cold at the same time.

And every little piece of energy you used holding back all this time comes spilling out, an explosion of your lips, your hands, against that person's lips, that person's body.

And the moment lasts for what feels like a short eternity. You simply can't let them go now that they're finally yours.

Just seems like a pretty thing to feel.

"Let's Talk about Sex, Baby..

2010-03-13T23:47:00.001-08:00

I like this conversation that my classmate shared in class while discussing Queer Theory.

If I remember correctly, it was an interviewer asking a male in drag about "what he is"..It went a little like:

"Are you gender-queer? Transgender? Gay? What do you identify as?"

The man just chuckled and answered "I'm a sexual being. I am what I am." And walked away.

It's a little silly how we come up with words with the intention of clearing things up, but in reality a lot of them just end up complicating pretty simple things.

Alright, maybe not simple, but things that don't actually need to be condensed into a word.

Like gender. Definition, as a function, limits concepts into smaller, more digestible chunks. We assign groups of letters and sounds in certain groups we call words, and in groups of words, to build concepts and ideas. But we have to remember that it's not exactly the concepts and ideas we build, but merely, ways to communicate these concepts and ideas.

I love the word queer for this reason. It's so inclusive. It's actually a more natural way to be, I think, compared to the actual social norms. Because all of us are queer one way or another. I think the only reason why some of us always walk within the lines is because they feel subordinate to these lines. Not exactly because it's what they want.

I'm queer in a way that I like both boys and girls, gay people of both sexes, people of all ages.

But is that really eccentric anymore? I really don't think so. For this reason, I don't think queer should be identified as a word meaning weird and unusual, because our reality is that we will keep establishing weird things into parts of the norm, as we slowly accept the reality of these things, and how they are natural and not perverse. Maybe queer should be looked at as a word that means anything that hasn't been captured by the "identity police" yet. XD

I personally believe that love should be free, and even this word queer should be a temporary word, a temporary sanctuary for exiles of the so-called norm. One day when the norm implodes, we won't need this word anymore. We'll all just be humans.

It's funny when you think about it :)

2010-03-13T08:31:00.000-08:00

How much things that you're "supposed to feel", perceived-norm-wise, confuse you from what you actually feel. :) Or how the unavoidable quest for knowledge in every person's noggin actually makes 'em lose the higher logic. :)

Taking it from Pausch, we just have to learn to watch what people do. Not what they say. This will leave a lot of the guessing out. Not because people fool each other on purpose all the time, but because sometimes, communicating the truth doesn't rely on honesty. Sometimes the medium becomes the message. And our hearts are simply better communicators than our mouths. It won't always be on purpose, but our words will deceive.

In the end, we all just want to be happy. We do what seems right to get there at any time. This leads us to do fucked up shit, or leaps of faith that actually end tragically, disappointing any hope for a theatrical happy ending. And that's ok. It looks pretty fucked up from the outside, but if you actually try being there, and stick it through, you'll realize that it's ok.

The point is the pursuit of happiness. Not being able to do everything right. :)

And it's such a beautiful thought to realize again and again, each waking day: We're still looking for it. We're still here! :D

I apparently have things that I don't like. I saved them in my drafts.

2010-01-16T08:34:00.000-08:00

when you think you're okay but somewhere deep inside you feel you're not okay but your mind tells you no you're just attracted to being not okay, so you stick it out and make yourself believe its okay then it turns out that it's not okay and you would have been more okay if from the start you came to terms with it not being okay. okay?
when i feel so motivated but when i sit before my place of work i realize im not motivated enough, apparently.
labels of beliefs...they seem to complicate really simple things.
when i enjoy the week so much but it goes by so fast.

My Personal Cold Caramel Macchiatto

2010-01-04T08:44:00.000-08:00

Dude, whoever thought this would one day end up as a semi-foodblog?

(I'm sure I did actually.)

Ingredients:

Regular brewed coffee from regular home coffee maker
Regular fresh cow's milk
Hershey's Caramel Syrup (yes. usually used for ice cream calorie-boostation suicide)

STEP ONE: Brew coffee

STEP TWO: Line mug with syrup

STEP THREE: Fill half of mug with coffee

STEP FOUR: Top off with milk

STEP FIVE: Pop in the freezer for a while

STEP SIX: Don't forget about it being in the freezer

STEP SEVEN: Drink it when it's cold enough for you

STEP EIGHT: (optional) line mug with more syrup.

This thing has no proportions listed coz people have different tastes.
And I'm sure my preference for macchiatto is sweeter than most.

Beware: My shit was really stubborn today, it kept floating like a ballerina. I have no real basis to correlate that with the coffee I made though. Just wanted to make you feel awkward.

I want to learn how to make:

2009-12-02T22:15:00.000-08:00

(since this blog is dying, not rightfully so)

1) Pie. Who doesn't like pie? I wanna make all sorts of pie. Cherry Pie. Apple Pie. Grasshopper Pie. Shepherd's Pie ~~

2) Applesauce. Because buying em in elvish Gerber jars is just ridiculous and expensive. Then again I'll have to buy one to copy the taste of :p

3)Some mean Puttanesca. I know it's furleh easeh but I wanna make a mean one. hahaha. myeah.

4) Really pretty but really tasty cupcakes. I want them to look like a rainbow, not taste like one. :o

5) Blueberry pancakes. I wanna know how to put filling inside the pancake without it cooking unevenly... Also I wanna make rainbow pancakes one day :p Possibly on Christmas. :D

If the world is ending...I'M THROWING THE PARTY!

2009-10-01T03:42:00.000-07:00

keeping myself chill and happy during my last few days of sun. XD

Something Simple

2009-09-19T13:17:00.000-07:00

simple freestlyle rundown of things i like and don't like.

Let's start with things i don't like, just because.

I don't like...

smelling piss on the streets.
patriotism crap, the world is so small already, you know. i understand starting with one's own country of course, but holding it holier than other things i think has a very shaky foundation
fighting
people holding on too tightly to "principles" of fashion. they're clothes, get over it.
people slowly stopping thinking for themselves.
exclusive religion
feeling heartless. feeling like i don't have the capacity to love enough.
total closemindedness...

I don't really hate a lot of things... Here are things I like:

music that make me dance, feel autumny, christmassy or beachy
icecream
vegetables
fat people
porn
feeling like im not being righteous
feeling one with the world and nature
animals
seeing myself in people that seem a lot different from me
painting my nails real quirky
the idea of travelling
how easy it is to interact with children. they seem to know no strangers.
floating above adversity (lol whatta word)
laughing
feeling high...
...especially with friends.
the feeling that making music gives me.
singing to people who listen intently XD
learning to like myself :p
being reminded of all the wonderful people, things, and places
being reminded again and again that i'll always be okay.
the taste of healthfood.
eating/drinking new things
gas stations
lights
long drives
convenience stores
making up food
pastry
coffee
smoothies
FOOD, it's as easy as that.
Lasse Gjertsen.
the letter M
gore
live uncensored operations
feeling like a kid again :D
the idea of old christmas
christmas songs
the few moments where i get to quiet my mind
new languages
being silly and stupid
geeks
nice people

... the world is so beautiful, im not even gunna try finishing that. XD

You're Funny.

2009-08-16T09:13:00.000-07:00

You came, you saw, you failed.
You're funny.
You were stupid, you were a child;
You should have just smiled
Coz you're funny.

You took a wrong turn
The third time today,
But don't grind your teeth
Just chuckle and say
"I'm funny."

Coz you're funny.

You slipped, you fell
Walk on and don't tell
Just skip just glide,
Whisper to your side

"I'm funny. So funny."

Ooh ooh oooh...
I don't get why you're upset
Ooh ooh ooh
It's all just in your head...

The time has passed and let it go
You can do the same, you know.

You've got mascara tracks from yesterday
Your new one stayed in for the night and went on his way
Sweet child why are you crying?
Did he take anything away?
You look the same... You're still the same.

So get up from that half of the bed
The other one's still yours, did you forget?
How funny. Oh funny.

Ooh ooh oooh...
the sun still comes after the rain..
ooh ooh ooh...
the flowers bloom just the same...

Everything else had moved on...
Why are you still holding on?

Oooh ooh ooh...
Whatever comes from regret?
Nothing will, nothing yet...

Sweet child, This day will say "Hello...
...why don't you just give me a go?"

I feel like I need a therapist.

2009-08-05T04:07:00.000-07:00

Just to have someone to listen to my thoughts.

Not because I need an audience. I guess, I just want to really HEAR myself.

It's different when I'm just thinking, trying to observe what I can, coz when you're alone, it's easy to get lost, to get identified with the thoughts. To not get to really SEE things on an uninvolved perspective, where I think they make sense the most.

That's why sometimes I hate having emotions. They're beautiful and they make me human, but... They cloud my better judgement when I forget to detach myself.

I think I'm falling for you and it's making me feel small.
It's easy to feel big when there's no risk of losing something dear to you.
Please tell me I'm not the only one.

Just Saying it Again and Meaning it...(it has been a year now.)

2008-12-15T04:00:00.000-08:00

note: These things I wrote in teh redbook part deux (the redbook is a thing i started in 2005, just a journal thing where i say urrthang and see how i develop through the years. in this one, weirdly, it sounded like i was directing the entry to people, but..whatever)

Oct 1 2007

Have you noticed?

It's like I'm already too secretive with the Redbook. I never "divulge" anything big or weird, while ya'll know that I'm SOO all about big and weird.

You also know that I don't really get to tell my bestfriends everything. We see each other too rarely to even get close to a real conversation. So yah, everything I don't write just gets lost forever after I forget. W/c is not so bad, I now realize, since the stuff I leave out are always the things that make me feel uncomfortable, awkward, and just inadequate. Like, whenever the prescence of a guy I used to write regularly-ish about just.. trails off in the succeeding entries, it either means that he happens to really like someone, or I find out that he's got a girlfriend (or boyfriend, w/c has never happened, but neither has the former, i think.), or that I realize that hees a geek (the bad icky kind)

...At least I dont get to limit the way i see myself with these sucky endings right? So it maybe kinda helps my self-esteem. BUT. Ykno, I got to be brutually honest w/myself, no matter how awkward and stupid it may make me feel about myself. Coz maybe it's the one way to make me see myself FROM ALL ANGLES. & to omit more blind spots. I have to endure more painful internal dialogues. "Tangina anu ba yang sinulat ko?!!"

Coz sure, loving yourself is nice, but by ignoring your weak points you're like only loving half of yourself. Like denying your oother son's existence coz his brother's so much better at everything. Besides, supressing these words in my head makes me more outrageous wherever (if ever) I decide to let go. It's like a dam. Build a wall if you must and block the water fleow, but when you suddenly get rid of the wall what happens? You say hello to a monster waave!!! wuu!! So letting the "water" flow normally on its own I guess kind of regulates my ability to express. It neutralizes my bipolared-ness. Maybe THAT's where it comes from. I cant find my center because I supress my intensities too much. Yes? Yes.

I just hope this metaphor-ization works for me this time even if I compared my thoughts to water w/c it's kinda not like, coz water's clear. My thoughts are kinda blurry, see. And unlike water, it leaves a "stench" when you *cough* wipe it off. Maybe suka or patis pa. Yeah vinegar's perfect coz I forget easily. and vinegar evaporates fast-ish. But y'kno, it's still liquid. I think it'll behave similarly to the dam theory.

...The dam(ned) theory...

okay so much for words, heres excecution. here's what happened:

Si classmate, uh, di na talaga kami "nagusap" after nung day na absent si prof. so yah. Kaput. minsan nagfifiling ako na kunwari may ibig sabihin pg natingin xa, pero agad2x din naman akong nagrereality check. i mean, he never even asked 4 my #, haller. Parang tell-tale sign na siguro yun. (minsan, I swer totoo to. pag wa-epek mga reality check ko in the privacy of my bureyn, literal ha? BINABATUKAN KO SARILI KO. o sinasampal. hehe. tipong "Ulul!")

si ano.. uhh well we still chat. pero i can only wait so long for something to happen. & i know he's not numb, he just deliberately avoids it. w/c is a convenience, coz I cant. at mejo umiiksi din attention span ko lately. pati sensitivity ko, nale-lessen. di nako "onion skinned" ba. it's like I dont really care anymore. & THIS TIME IT'S FOR REAL AND NOT JUST FOR SHOW. I FINALLY learnd how 2 detatch myself. Oh! and he likes someone but he aint fessin about it. pero i THINK i know....

ELMO *insertpoorElmodrawing/scribblehere*

..It must be Ye. I know befriending her to see whatsup was very shallow of me, but I just had to pull some leaves down myself before they choose to fall down on their own coz Lord knows how long & overdue that day will be at the rate i was going. And I never pushed anything too much. I kept sincere towards her. It's just that whenever I remember what MADE us be 'friends', I feel bad. Hopefully that will change, though. I like her. I just have to change the frame I see her in through; get john out of the picture. But not completely. Besides, if my assumptions are correct, they might end up together. Ye became friends with John about the time I did but they warmed up faster, and I found William. (oo di nako gumagamit ng codenames ngaun men, di na uso! RAKENROL NA TO! WOOO..) Actually no, i didnt just find him, he was living next door all this time. ANYWAY.

..The moment i found John I set him apart agad sa iba. I was like "he was different" or maybe it wasnt that at all. Maybe it was "we're the same".. but that doesn't matter now, no need for emphasis.

Ye was always the girl I see on his profile. And he told me he had an ex, so i assumed for some ambiguous reason that it was her. But then i soon found out that the ex was a totally different person that was a few years ahead of us. Makes sense. John never really acted like a kid. But how should I really know right? He was already in TX when we became friends. Funny thing is, Ye sorta had the same situation. She just moved here from Saudi when John went off to Texas & left Philie. Our friendship pales in comparison to theirs. I reacted too much I guess. But I don't blame myself. Besides, the whole John thing kind of fueled me. & even if it ends there, I'm still very thankful for it. It's so nice how things just unfold at the perfect time.

John has been acting more distant towards me lately. Not that he wasn't already showing hints of coldness before, he has. He gets kinda harsh sometimes & I do too. I guess I was also just too surprised that he'd give me friendly replies n not slimy ones like most people on the net (dweebs). The way he was brought up I guess.

John & I only get to chat on weekends. N we mostly just talk about crap and act like jackasses. He & Ye, based on the limited info I have, disagree, but they're more sweet. Okay sweeter. w/fckn/evr. & I dont think its because they have more stuff in common. It's coz they don't and therefore they compliment each other. & they kinda have the same situation, always moving country to country, having to leave people behind. That's a big thing. It's kinda sweet. In my opinion actually?(and this is not just BS I'm writing down so thatI won't look like the loser) John and I may have too much stuff in common -now i realize its only with conversing, not really with our preferences and beliefs- & it doesnt work well for what I --wanted-- whatever the fuck that was.
We really are better off as buddies I guess. I already am getting detatched anyway. I'm not soo eager to see him online, not too sensitive about whatever he says... I really feel so Serena-ish now. & boy does that feel good.

"not in a relationship but attatched to someone" -that's his status. & I'm now just waiting for him to treat me like his buddy that i am & tell me all about it. but as for me? I'm "not in a relationship and am not attatched to anyone." and you knoh dem reyt that that sounds so much better than his.

Lulz. WEINER!

______________________________________________________

Oct 2 2007

"When it Rains"

I didn't even wait for the rain to stop. I stepped outside with only my hoodie to shield me from the rain -poorly. ~~Something inside me was leaping victoriously~~I stayed infront of the computer for a longer time than what i intended to spend for. (umabot ng P65). My excuse was that I was waiting for the rain to stop. "I hate damp feet" was what I typed in my blog. That was true, but what was also true, was that I was chatting with HIM, and I have been trying so hard to make him open up to me, that ending the conversation too early just when he has started to fess up felt like i was being unfair to myself.

All my guesses proved to be right. I even noticed stuff that he himself hasn't about ..them. The really weird thing about all this is that I never felt like I was being fake about what I was doing. I really meant everything I told him. Every single thing. I never attempted to make it about 'us', I was just totally THERE FOR HIM.

"we mostly just talk about bull."
"i know."
"i wanna know how you really are."

and that's when he started opening up.
"emotionally scarred" was how he described himself. and I remembered the survey from yesterday. and assumed it was a lablipe thing.

"ooh. inlove?"
"well i dunno about that"

and all the while i tried to steer the conversation into making him tell. is there a she? and if we manage to go further, is it ye? and it wasnt even a nosy bitchness thing. It's just that when it comes to him, I want to be aware. I want to be the buddy he can talk to about everything and not just anything. I felt like I'm worthy of at least that.

He was talking about self esteem. that it was really low and stuff.

Then he wanted me to check out the song in his profile. but i cant, it wont play.

"It's a wonderful song by Paramore-"

then everything stopped moving.

"-called When it Rains.''

I knew it. I first heard that song in his profile actually. Ye sent it to him as a comment. He didn't know. He also didn't know that the song makes me think about him and them and if she felt the same way i felt about him or stronger.

He didn't know that he was the reason I skip the track everytime I hear it start playing in my ipod. But I did. There were just too many things I'm aware of I guess. To him there are only the conversations we share when we spend time chatting - to me, there was that AND the conversations I have in my head with myself. I can't help it. I'm just really the observant type.

"Ye gave it to you." I was referring to the comment.
"The Panda?" was what he replied.
He had a picture of a stuffed panda in his profile pictures. It had the caption "Bliss." and the moment i read his question, I knew. To me his question was more of an answer. like The panda was from Ye. She liked him that much. And he liked her too. But I've already made alot of assuming. And even though I was always right, It was already time for these things to come from him.

"When she first told me about it she didnt buy it yet. She saw it @ Blue Magic. I dared her to buy it. Then a week after, here comes a submitted photo."

"Awwwwwwwwww... that
is
sooo
sweeeet...."

and heaven knows, i fuckin meant it. I was seriously smiling like an idiot!yes in the netshop.

My friends, congratulate me. For I have finally seen the light. You are well aware that I am fond of this person yet you see me now unfazed and unfaltering.
This is because I have unromanticized love. Love is an energy. And I feed off of it. It should be given to all the people you care about, and its intensity is relatively proportional to its current triggers. (xenxa sa terms kakabasa q lng ng physics10 notes)
You love who you love no matter what. There's no real math to it.obviously as otherwise i wouldnt have gotten any of it It's too simple for that. Romantic love is only different because of the relationship factor & i found today that this thing I have for John is not that type of love. Not yet, not really. It's just the mix of focus and ambiguity that made all this seem larger than life. It's the same love I have for all of you. You are all so special and vital to my existence, and I put each one of you up on a pedestal for a moment in my life, like I just did to him. Maybe I was just fazed by the fact that he wasn't a girl and the distance challenged me. But if you look at the bigger picture, it's all the same. I just had to learn how to avoid bias regarding gender.
It's all so silly and childish, really. Don't be fooled by these ..big words I'm using.

I walked through the rain after that conversation with him. I didnt care that everyone else had umbrellas and there were lots of vendors taking advantage to sell umbrellas to those who didn't. I walked right on. It was the most liberating feeling ever. I changed so much. I swear. Even though it's probable that these things I'm writing down you find sad, truth be told, sad things are beautiful. If i force reciprocation for the attention I give him... If he's aware about all this.. Where's the beauty in that?well i sure ruined THAT one.
And because it was all sad & beautiful, I felt so happy the whole day. I know, it's crazy. but i did. I felt so productive and useful. And I know for a fact that I made him feel better.

The rain fell hard, and forced the leaves down from the trees. I remembered what I wrote yesterday about falling leaves and smiled.

The leaves are now falling on their own. :)

It only took the rain to force them down. The rain may be a bitch, again I hate damp shoes, but it really is all up to you. How do you handle the rain? How do you handle the truth?lol Do you hide from it forever because it isn't convenient?lolx2.Al Gore? Or do you thank the Lord for it? Do you look up to the sky, watch it fall down on you & let it change you forever?

"Ask and you shall recieve."

Oct 1, I opened myself to the redbook and started explaining. The next day, explanations came to ME.

Oct 2, I chose to walk in the rain. And goddamnit. It rained all day.

Oct 8 2007

hehe. they're already opeexali 2gedur! :)
both their parents know. It's so cute considering the fact that they've never really met. I wouldn't think of doing something like that, but wth, to each his own right? I hope for the best for those two, and if ever things go wrong, I'm just right here ready to be mommy for any "mommy i made a booboo"'s...well i kept THAT one didnt i?

In other news:

Dea's turned 17 today:) havent seen her for the longest time. But I know she's well & happy w/her prince. I'm really glad the yin/yang thing worked out. Now we're both happy. =)

I'll get back to you xxx

Bleeding for the first and last time.

2008-12-13T23:00:00.000-08:00

It only takes one moment.

It opens up and it never closes again.

It's not a chapter, one that closes and makes way for another.

It is a whole bunch, with many parts

I will continue to love you.

In many different ways.

I love (what I can be when I'm with) you.

2008-10-06T06:43:00.000-07:00

As clear as the fact that the moon watches me under the clouds, I know you.

I long for you. The wine I've never tasted but long for all the same...

I long for all the things beyond your face and name...

Show me.

I feel your heart beating behind this cold wall...

And I will never be sure if you're even there at all...

But i see you hold your hand up to face mine..

I see you do all these and more in the confines of my mind

But I feel you. I know you know I do.

And you embrace me with arms that I can't touch but warms me all the same..

I want to feel everything beyond your face and name.

Is it really you?

It's all in my head.

Is whay dey called "fantasies"

2008-08-25T02:00:00.000-07:00

I've been sort of scanning the latest sexnarios in my head, and i noticed that whatever extent they are effective depends a lot on how.. Unlikely they are.

Scenes played on the couch or on the bed in typical boy-on-top position doesn't come off as that exciting to me, i get turned on more by thinking about chasing scenes, torture, public sex, and like, elevator sex and the like. With other people starring in my them. I don't think I'd be interested in doing those myself, like in real life. I don't think I'll go buck wild on anyone, or that I'd find it erotic if my partner suddenly decides to prop me up the sink and ravage me. But then again, with Bea, you'll never know. heh.

I don't know, I guess that's where the lesson we had in SocSci3 comes in. What you think of isn't always exact to what you want to experience, or won't have the same effect on you outside the four corners of your mind (if you only have four corners).

So people better be wary of the difference.